A few years back, I heard a quote from one of our marriage mentors that left me thinking and evaluating myself and my behaviours towards my wife. He said “Marriage is brutal on selfish people and insisting that you get to do your own thing—rather than sharing interests with your spouse—is selfish behaviour. Marriage is not about independence, but interdependence. If you want to be independent, stay single.” From our years of experience counseling couples, I couldn’t agree more. Marriages thrive when you have 2 individuals who are selfless – and are pursuing the satisfaction of the other party – whether that is emotionally, sexually, physically, financially, or otherwise. Tension and rancour will be the order of the day when you then have a man or a woman who is selfish – and who will place personal interests above that of the marriage.
It seems obvious that selfishness is an overwhelming force in marriage, and at the center of many pains that a lot of couples go through. To be honest, selfishness is human nature. No human could ever claim that they have never behaved selfishly because, at some point in our lives, all of us do. As a single, what you want to eat, places to visit, the music you listen to in the car, how to spend your money, when you did laundry, cleaned your dishes, etc. are all things you most likely didn’t have to consider anyone else’s opinion or needs for. Your needs and wants come first. But all that changes after marriage. You would have to consider the needs and wants of your better half if you want harmony in your life and marriage. Now, that is NOT an easy task – but that is exactly what you signed in for when you married them.
In the book “Standing for Something” by Gordon B. Hinckley, he shares what selfishness can do to a marriage.
“A fundamental issue that accounts for a high percentage of marital problems is selfishness. I say this out of experience — more experience than I would care to have — in dealing with such tragedies. I find selfishness to be a major factor in divorce.
Selfishness so often is the basis of money problems, which are a very serious and real factor affecting the stability of family life. Selfishness is at the root of adultery, the breaking of solemn and sacred covenants to satisfy lust. Selfishness is the antithesis of love. It is a cankering expression of greed. It destroys self-discipline. It obliterates loyalty. It tears up sacred covenants. It afflicts both men and women. Selfishness is the great destroyer of happy family life”
What is selfishness? I like the Webster dictionary definition of it. It is very instructive. It defines selfishness as “concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself: seeking or concentrating on one’s own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others”.
- There is an excessive focus on oneself (space, time, schedule, ways of doing things, likes, etc)
- It causes exclusivity. Exclusivity pushes others away by making them feel inferior and unwelcome. This is toxic in a marriage. Marriage is about becoming one, not being the one.
- It concentrates on personal advantage. It makes you focus more on making a point than making a difference. When our goal is to always have the advantage, win the argument or get our way, we undermine the continuity of marriage and make us the “only” one instead of the two becoming one. The goal should be to create an advantage for the relationship even if that eliminates personal advantage.
- It concentrates on personal pleasure. Our desires and wishes are important, but they cannot be the only consideration, especially where marriage is concerned.
- It is without regard to the well-being of others. While selfishness puts too much emphasis on oneself, it also leads to being oblivious to the needs and well-being of your spouse. Marriage requires you to be aware of, and work towards meeting the needs of your spouse.
From the above, it is clear that if selfishness is not dealt with, it will breed bitterness, poor attitudes and will gradually lead to divorce – or drifting apart of the couple. A wise man puts it this way “If marriage doesn’t end your selfishness, your selfishness will end your marriage”. I tend to believe him.
How then can you overcome this destructive force of selfishness? We will offer you a few thoughts and ideas here:
- Be responsible and admit you have been selfish. It is difficult to solve a problem you have not admitted.
- Change your mindset. Marriage is a “We” business, rather than an “I” business. Here’s a good question to ask yourself, “Is this what is best for both of us, rather than just me?” Your mindset and approach will need to change from “What’s in it for me” to “What can I do for my partner so that they feel fulfilled and valued”.
- Be patient – with yourself and with your spouse. Old habits die hard, and selfishness can linger. Create room and space for your spouse to change. And encourage them when they make deliberate attempts, even when those attempts still do not meet your expectations.
- Be deliberate to serve your spouse. If we can give you only one piece of advice, it will be this one! Ask your spouse often “What can I do today to make your life easier?”. And don’t just ask, be willing to try to do what they request. The key here is to put your spouse’s needs ahead of your own, expecting nothing in return.
Stay fortified by choosing to be selfless.
Blessings!