Built to Last – The Marriage Edition (Part 3)
We shared in the 1st episode of this study that marriages that will last must have certain ingredients – that follows the acronym “LAST”
L– Laughter
A- Absolve (Forgiveness)
S– Study
T – Time
In the previous posts, we looked extensively at the ingredient of laughter, and then forgiveness. We strongly recommend that you read Part 1 and Part 2 of this write-up if you haven’t done so already. In this 3rd part, we will focus on “Study”.
Have you seen the movie Fireproof, starring Kirk Cameron as Caleb Holt? It’s a movie about a firefighter whose marriage was heading for the rocks. His dad then gave him a book “Love Dare” to work through for 40 days in order to save his marriage. Caleb takes the challenge on, though begrudgingly, and finds his love for his wife, Katherine, returning as his heart becomes less hardened. Caleb describes the lesson he learned from Day 18 to a friend of his, reading from the book:
“When a man is trying to win the heart of a woman, he studies her. He learns her likes, dislikes, habits, and hobbies, but after he wins her heart and marries her, he often stops learning about her. If the amount he studied her before marriage was equal to a high school degree, he should continue to learn about her until he earns a college degree, a master’s degree, and ultimately a doctorate degree. It is a lifelong journey that draws his heart ever closer to hers.” This is powerful! To put it simply, every married man (or woman) should attain to get a doctorate degree in the study of his wife (or her husband). If you have been married for a while, no one (and I repeat – no one), should trounce you when it comes to knowing your spouse. Common, you’ve got the home advantage here. Use it.
One of the most common complaints I have heard from couples has to do with the knowledge of their spouses. “Mike doesn’t know me”. “Christy doesn’t understand what I like”. My question to you as you read this is this: do you really know your spouse? Do you understand them? Do you know their preferences? Do you know what makes your spouse happy? Do you know what stresses them out? Do you know what nurtures their spirit, and what kills it?
Just like many other things in the world, your spouse is evolving. You and your spouse keep changing — your preferences, interests, knowledge. That means you have to stay current. You need to keep learning about your spouse to understand, serve, and love him or her better. And, like in school, that means asking questions. You can routinely ask your spouse about his or her thoughts, emotions, preferences, and goals. Carefully observing what he or she does and says can help you learn, too. As you and your spouse become better students of each other, you’ll develop stronger empathy and love for each other. He or she will not remain the person you dated or fell in love with – from their physical appearance to the way they handle things, their fears and worries, and everything around it. It takes a lifelong commitment to intentionally study your spouse and understand their likes/dislikes.
The benefits of studying your spouse cannot be overemphasized. It helps you to connect more easily and more deeply with them. It keeps the fun in your marriage. It helps you to understand the deep needs of your spouse and to endevour to meet them. It can also feed your curiosity😊. Think about the following questions for a start:
- What signs does he/she show when he is tensed or nervous?
- How does he/she recharge? Does he/she need time alone or with others?
- What are his favourite foods, drinks, and deserts?
- What are his/her favourite activities?
- What is his/her love language? How does he/she give and receive love?
- What is his/her outlook on the future?
- What turns him/her on?
- What is the best time of the day to engage him in a conversation?
To know your spouse like no one else is an amazing thing and something we should all desire. Become a lifelong learner of your spouse. This way, your relationship will never get stale, as you keep discovering new things and new realities. There’s more to your husband or wife than you will ever completely comprehend. But the more you understand about them the more they will shine, and the better you will be able to enjoy the richness of your relationship – not to mention avoiding a lot of pain and conflict.
What degree do you have in the knowledge of your spouse?